I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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