help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
