Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
