It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
