part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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