How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
