I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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