I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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