I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
