new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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