as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
try to milk me bitch
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