Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
