So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
