Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
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