woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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