So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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