I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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