I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
