I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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