i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
