Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
