Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
