Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
