Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
