u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
