I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
