She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
