hotel room ftw
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
This baby is an asshole
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
