I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
