I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
