I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
