I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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