im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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