Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
