Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
what day is it and did you see me today?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
