Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
