ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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