How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize