Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
