I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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