First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
