Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I checked into jail on foursquare
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
