Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
