Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize