someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
