i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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