I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
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