Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
