my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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