I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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