She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
