Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
