I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
