i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
