If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
