I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
