we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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